what this is all about....

As I pray for my daughters’ future spouses and their future choices in life, I look around my church and see so many “old couples”, but very few “young couples”.  I see lots of moms with their kids, and no dad with them.  I also see some dads and kids, without a mom.  My heart hurts for these families and these kids who know the pain of divorce at such a young age.  I wonder what the “old couples” think of us, of our generation with disposable marriages and the seemingly endless train of “blended” families.  But it isn’t until I attended a Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover event that it hit me…Dave talks about getting advice from old rich people, people who have been tested and been victorious, instead of young, newly wealthy people without as much life experience. 

Well….duh!!!  Right, we would all rather seek advice from one who has “been around the block” or “been there, done that”.  It makes sense with finances, and it ought to make sense with our marriages!  Who better to gain wisdom from than a woman who has “been there, done that” and been victorious in her marriage for 50 years?  Then I started thinking about all the women I had recently lost the ability to ask in person as they had died. 

I felt cheated.  And I will not let my children be cheated by not asking for myself, and for them!  So, I made a list of women in my life who had been married longer than 20 years to the same man…sadly, it was tough going!  But, my church was a great place to start and seemed to have the most success.  For the women I had lost, I asked their daughters to share with me what had been passed on to them.  What amazing and inspirational women I had in my life with such a wealth of knowledge, and I was letting them all keep it to themselves!  Thank you to those who shared, and thank you to those who are continuing to share.

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As I write this today, some 50% of marriages end in divorce.  And of those 50%, 75% of second marriages end in divorce as well.  So, statistically speaking, of my 6 kids, only 3 will remain married the first time.  I pray every day, that this is not true.  I pray daily for their spouses; some of whom are already a part of our family, and some of whom are to come.  I cannot think of a more important decision in life than whom to marry. 

Growing up as girls, we are inundated with “happily ever after” and “prince charming”.  Well, either that or “I don’t need a man” and “I am woman, hear me roar”.  These are two extremes that sell well in movies, but are each unfair in their representations to our daughters.  Neither, in itself, is possible.  As girls, we need to love ourselves enough to find the man God intends for us, all the while working on making ourselves the woman God intends for someone else.

My prayer for my daughters (and sons) is that they succeed in marriage and remain content in their choice of a spouse “till death do them part”.  What NO ONE told me, and I had to learn on my own, was that marriage is HARD WORK.  I thought there would be rainbows, butterflies in my belly, perfect hair in the morning, no yelling, just pure wedded bliss; just like on television and in the movies.  I’m not sure I expected all that really, but I know that I did not expect to have to work so hard.  I think most marriages end when people are supposed to get working on staying together.  Society makes it so easy to leave this one and find a better one, or to fall “out of love” and then look for it elsewhere.  But this is not what God intended for our marriages.  In fact, He promises that it will be hard!  As women, our nature is such that we will want to “rule over our husbands”…even though their God given role is to protect and provide for us.  Somewhere, society decided it was below women to stay home and care for their home, their husbands, and their children. 

Well – my greatest fear is that I will pass before my daughters are married and protected by their husbands.  Yes, I said it; I want my daughters with someone who will protect them.  Not because they are weak, but because they are precious and deserve protection.  Since it is our job, as parents, to care for and protect our children until they “leave and cleave” to their spouses, I fear that they will miss out on some knowledge if I or their dad are not here for them. 

This leads me to the reason for writing down the following tidbits.  I wanted to gather advice for my daughters from women who have succeeded in their marriages, been victorious even.  I call these women the “marriage matriarchs”; women who have been married 20+ years (to the same man) and are willing to pass on some lessons to me and my family.  Not that my writing compares, but Solomon wrote Proverbs speaking to his son about lessons for a successful life; so I share these lessons for my daughters to be successful in life and in their marriages.