My Grammy - part one

My grandmother, Peggy Buttrick, was married to my grandfather, Harold, for 3 months shy of 64 years when he passed away a couple years ago.  When I sent her a Facebook message regarding my Marriage Matriarchs project and followed up with an email (yes, she is quite technically savvy for an 80 something!!), she responded with a handwritten letter through the mail.  I was awaiting an email, and received this odd thing via snail mail….a handwritten letter, yet another lost art to go along with marriage!  Here is some of what she shared with me:

I think the secret to staying married is to know that you are not always right, and many times you will have to bend some, and to always respect your spouse – even when you are upset.  Don’t be afraid to say “I love you”.  If you have an argument, try not to go to sleep before you make up.

WOW…there is so much in that one paragraph!!  What does she mean, “you are not always right”??  Of course I am J   I think the nuggets in here for today’s women, are so intense.  As a wife, we need to “bend some at times”.  This doesn’t really work with the “I am woman, hear me roar” mentality that we are passing on to our daughters.  It is true that we are to be treated as equals in society to men, we deserve a vote, etc., BUT we are not to control our men and we are not ALWAYS going to get our way.  And to “respect your spouse, even when upset” is definitely a tough one!!  Mean words are so painful and yet flow so freely when we are upset.  Add to that, all the television shows and movies where men are portrayed as foolish, useless, stupid even.  Can you think of a show (on today) where the father/husband runs the house, is respected, and portrayed as a good man?  I can’t.  I look back to “The Cosby Show”, “Little House on the Prairie”, and “Leave it to Beaver”….but are there any for this generation?  What examples are on television for our daughters? “The Simpsons”, (insert other shows with bad dad/hubby)  Scary!! No wonder marriages aren’t lasting anymore, it isn’t even possible on television, and if you do stay through tough times, you are old fashioned.

I asked my Grammy about dating, how this could affect who we marry and if it lasts.  Here’s her response:

When you are going together, if it is possible, see how he treats his parents and siblings.

Right on!! I would even be more specific here with how he treats his mother!!  This is how he’ll end up treating you as his wife.  No, I don’t have statistics on that, just observation (and since Grammy agrees, then I’m sticking with it!!)

There's more from her letter, but this is where I'll cut it off for this posting......

brainstorm...

ok...I need your help here...for a later post I am looking for shows on TV that show the dad in the family as an idiot, useless, you know what I mean!!

 As opposed to shows like The Cosby Show and Leave it to Beaver and Little House on the Prairie...those are shows with an involved Dad who can function on his own...today's shows all seem to have dads who are a joke...I am looking for names of TV shows like that....thanks a bunch!!!

what this is all about....

As I pray for my daughters’ future spouses and their future choices in life, I look around my church and see so many “old couples”, but very few “young couples”.  I see lots of moms with their kids, and no dad with them.  I also see some dads and kids, without a mom.  My heart hurts for these families and these kids who know the pain of divorce at such a young age.  I wonder what the “old couples” think of us, of our generation with disposable marriages and the seemingly endless train of “blended” families.  But it isn’t until I attended a Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover event that it hit me…Dave talks about getting advice from old rich people, people who have been tested and been victorious, instead of young, newly wealthy people without as much life experience. 

Well….duh!!!  Right, we would all rather seek advice from one who has “been around the block” or “been there, done that”.  It makes sense with finances, and it ought to make sense with our marriages!  Who better to gain wisdom from than a woman who has “been there, done that” and been victorious in her marriage for 50 years?  Then I started thinking about all the women I had recently lost the ability to ask in person as they had died. 

I felt cheated.  And I will not let my children be cheated by not asking for myself, and for them!  So, I made a list of women in my life who had been married longer than 20 years to the same man…sadly, it was tough going!  But, my church was a great place to start and seemed to have the most success.  For the women I had lost, I asked their daughters to share with me what had been passed on to them.  What amazing and inspirational women I had in my life with such a wealth of knowledge, and I was letting them all keep it to themselves!  Thank you to those who shared, and thank you to those who are continuing to share.

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As I write this today, some 50% of marriages end in divorce.  And of those 50%, 75% of second marriages end in divorce as well.  So, statistically speaking, of my 6 kids, only 3 will remain married the first time.  I pray every day, that this is not true.  I pray daily for their spouses; some of whom are already a part of our family, and some of whom are to come.  I cannot think of a more important decision in life than whom to marry. 

Growing up as girls, we are inundated with “happily ever after” and “prince charming”.  Well, either that or “I don’t need a man” and “I am woman, hear me roar”.  These are two extremes that sell well in movies, but are each unfair in their representations to our daughters.  Neither, in itself, is possible.  As girls, we need to love ourselves enough to find the man God intends for us, all the while working on making ourselves the woman God intends for someone else.

My prayer for my daughters (and sons) is that they succeed in marriage and remain content in their choice of a spouse “till death do them part”.  What NO ONE told me, and I had to learn on my own, was that marriage is HARD WORK.  I thought there would be rainbows, butterflies in my belly, perfect hair in the morning, no yelling, just pure wedded bliss; just like on television and in the movies.  I’m not sure I expected all that really, but I know that I did not expect to have to work so hard.  I think most marriages end when people are supposed to get working on staying together.  Society makes it so easy to leave this one and find a better one, or to fall “out of love” and then look for it elsewhere.  But this is not what God intended for our marriages.  In fact, He promises that it will be hard!  As women, our nature is such that we will want to “rule over our husbands”…even though their God given role is to protect and provide for us.  Somewhere, society decided it was below women to stay home and care for their home, their husbands, and their children. 

Well – my greatest fear is that I will pass before my daughters are married and protected by their husbands.  Yes, I said it; I want my daughters with someone who will protect them.  Not because they are weak, but because they are precious and deserve protection.  Since it is our job, as parents, to care for and protect our children until they “leave and cleave” to their spouses, I fear that they will miss out on some knowledge if I or their dad are not here for them. 

This leads me to the reason for writing down the following tidbits.  I wanted to gather advice for my daughters from women who have succeeded in their marriages, been victorious even.  I call these women the “marriage matriarchs”; women who have been married 20+ years (to the same man) and are willing to pass on some lessons to me and my family.  Not that my writing compares, but Solomon wrote Proverbs speaking to his son about lessons for a successful life; so I share these lessons for my daughters to be successful in life and in their marriages.